last updated:15.3.25
2021:
she thought she should be happy by now, why is she still sad
she got her dream life, she has everything she ever wanted why does she still not feel enough? not successful enough?
she should be doing more she should be learning more she should be more she is doing all she can but it is never enough. she never feels enough, never beautiful enough, never thin enough, never curvy enough, never fair enough, never dark enough, never successful enough.
why do she not feel successful why do she feel like she’s an imposter
she should be humble. she should be grateful. she should count her blessings. prove your worth but don’t show your desire. she is tired of feeling empty.
mi amor says she lives life in extremes. she feels a lot of joy, she feels a lot of pain. you are humble and hopeful and full of life. yet it also comes with all these unpleasant stuff where she loses hope and feel like mi amor is the enemy.
she lives life in extremes. she knows it. she is aware. infact too self-aware. she tries to fight the extremes but the emotions are so overwhelming. she can’t connect to herself when that happens. she can’t reach herself. she becomes someone else. and maybe that someone else is also her. but she can’t tell.
she doesn’t know why. and oh god, she realllly does want to know why.
and in those extremes, which one of her is the true and which one is a distortion.. which one should she curb a bit more, soften a bit more, so she could finally be enough…
but anyway, with time she will learn that both of those parts are hers.
one part is when she feels safe. when she feels like she can be herself. she can express herself freely. that part of her, she dances. she speak to flowers. she has named all her plants: tom, hanks, snape and Zzzz… and she talks to them everytime she waters them. she cried when she had to give them away. she feels safe in her home. she feels safe with her favorite person in the world. she’s a cutie.
and the other part is also hers. it’s when the old patterns kick in to protect the inner cutie in her. she has been hurt before and she remembers. she has put up walls in her heart to make sure inner cutie is protected. and yes, she reacts with anger, and so so much anger at times.
she’s just trying to protect herself. and she hasn’t learnt the right tools yet, new coping mechanisms to help her take care of the inner cutie. to help her feel safe, no matter what happens. she hasn’t learned to communicate with her anger yet.
one day, she will learn the right tools.
but first she has to go through this existential crisis, there’s no other way around, only through and she would drop on her knees, won’t stop crying for hours and hours and would bring her palms together in a prayer and pray to whoever is out there, to help her survive this. that she wants to live and she is tired of feeling helpless and a prisoner in her own mind
she will surrender to the ways of the universe to the ways of unknown and ask the waves to take her wherever the water flows, wherever the sun goes.
she will follow the sun, letting her intuition be her north star, to steer her in the right direction.
and over time she will form a bond with her intuition, and become best friends with her body.
she will one day learn to love herself. she will become her favorite person. and together, they will find a way out of this existential crisis.