last updated:26.12.24
it would be me—in flesh and blood. and oh, how well I mask it.
got in the best school for comp sci – ah, I just got lucky
went with nothing but 700 dollars to my name to Canada, worked 3 jobs, paid off my loans – everyone does it, what makes me special
at my last tech corporate job, was the only woman in a senior role (and the only POC) in a room full of white men – maybe they needed a diversity hire, not because I earned my spot
reached 100k followers on Instagram 1– must have been a fluke, they will soon know that I actually know nothing
built a business while working full time, spending my evenings and weekends on it – it’s not a real business so it doesn’t count
i’ve been downplaying myself for so long that my own achievements barely feel like they belong to me. they feel like footnotes in a story that doesn’t center me, as if they’re just small, passing details in someone else’s bigger narrative.
I never took up space, I didn’t know how to.
this shy, meek girl from Kashmir learned very early on that silence and humility were her most praised qualities. until someone got to know me really well and realized –
oh you do talk a lot, don’t you.
somewhere along the way, I learned to shrink myself. to believe that nothing I do is extraordinary—that no matter how much I overcome, it’s just what’s expected.
that celebrating myself might be too much, might make others uncomfortable. so I stayed quiet, learned to be humble, brushing off my victories before anyone else could.
what are your biggest achievements, the interviewer would ask. I would come up blank.
achievements, I have done this and that, but that’s nothing special.
( I also got very good at exuding confidence that wasn’t real confidence )
before I fought any external battles, the hardest battle I have fought has been within myself.
to believe I am worthy.
to believe my words matter.
to believe that what I have to say deserves to exist in the world.
to believe that I am enough.
I am done hiding in the corners and only showcasing parts of me that other people deemed worthy enough. all the while knowing deep in my heart that I can’t flourish in the shadows.
the randomness in me, within me, around me (which isn’t really random but the spark to all my creativity), deserves to take up space.
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