_la parceria cafe, medellin 12:36pm
the chico at counter said bom dia. is he from brazil, does he think I am from brazil? i did ask “fala ingles?” last time i was here, not intentionally but because my brain is adjusting portuguese → spanish… well…
i think i am going crazy. or that i am on the verge of something big. the word big is subjective. oh, why do I have to contradict everything i say. we haven’t even begun yet.
go and make a cup of chai before you start reading. i don’t know how long this is going to be.
where do i begin. where did i left off. why do i feel the need to update you on everything. i mean, i want to. but do i really have to tell you everyyyyyyything. we will investigate that some other day.
so, you may or may not know that i am from kashmir, or as they call it le paradise on earth. i was born there and lived 17 years of my life in srinagar. lately, if you have been following the news, you would know that things are happening there…
again.
suprisingly i am handling it pretty well this time. given the last two times, i had a full on panic attack and went into a freeze/isolation mode for months after.
maybe it’s knowing that i don’t want to play the game of “divide and conquer” and do whatever i need to do to protect my mental health and energy. maybe it’s knowing that social media is just that, social media. and as long as my parents are safe, my body can feel safe and relax.
and oh, how delusional i have been about the future of technology and social media. i still am, but i love when universe teaches me a lesson and says, hey, just because you have good intentions, doesnt mean the whole world is going to follow suit. wake up..
a chico called me delusional on a coffee date a few days back. not in a cute “ah you are muy delula” way. no, with a concerning look on his face as the word DELUSIONAL came out of his mouth, not once but a few times during the conversaton.
chico could pass off as pedro pascal so we will let this one slide.
chatgpt says: someone might use “delusional” in everyday speech to convey: - having an unrealistic or overly idealistic belief about themselves, someone else, or a situation. - ignoring facts or refuse to see things clearly, often driven by hope, ego, or denial.
For example: “she’s delusional if she thinks she can become a skilled dancer without any training or practice.”
lol, i have so many contradictions to offer. moving on… ✨
i find it amusing that we have associated “self trust” and “belief in your abilities to make shit happen” with being “delusional”.
but maybe chico is right. who am i to believe in myself? to have this amount of trust in myself and that i got my back, no matter what. that I may not know exactly what the future holds, because, let’s be real. this world is crazy… beautiful… but also crazy… and no matter how much you plan for the future, you can never guess what may happen.
por ejemplo,
2 years back, 2023 april → i was a tech employee, senior product manager for a startup.
i was on my way to montreal, to spend 2 months there, while looking for an apartment to finally take that step - get into a mortgage and live a happy every after, or some version of it. after a month or so of search and so close to putting an offer on a cute apartment in my favorite neighbourhood of montreal, i had a realization that mortgage freaked me out and something told me to not put an offer on this very cute place i had already given my heart to.
and so i didnt. 2 weeks after that, I got laid off. a month after, I decided to leave Canada. a month after, my 6 year relationship ended. and a few months down the line, oct 2023, i decided to leave everything EVERYTHING behind.
mission “survival first” had begun.
it’s now may 2025 and holy shit, its been 2 years. but we are here, very much successful in our “survival first” mission. here’s something that always amazes me: i could have never NEVER NEVER guessed that this is how my life would turn out to be.
never.
we can plant the seeds for the future but you never know which seeds are going to be sprouted.
so yea, who am I to have such high self-worth?
i once canceled a date with a chico in buenos aires because he was trying to schedule me in a 30 minute slot between nap time and whatever meeting at 6pm. lol. his exact words:
chico: i appreciate a strong woman who knows her worth. but also no need to be so dramatic.
the dramatic he was referring to:
this was not the first time we were meeting, for context. God forbid, a chica wants to intentionally spend time with people.
who am I to have such high self-worth?
the 30 year old me ( 2 years back ) clearly was lacking some.. some is an understatement … she didn’t have any self-worth. she was trapped in her own mind. her deep fears and insecurities had 3 decades to make themselves at home there. it wasn’t her fault. that’s the mind she grew up with. the mind the society helped shaped for her.
it took a bit of shaking the ground underneath her to make her ​question everything.​ EVERYTHING. almost like a new born baby who’s just learning about the world and asks 100 questions before she’s satisfied with the answer and then gets distracted and moves on to the next rabbit hole. neuroscience would call it rewiring the brain. neuroplasticity. look it up.
and in the process, she reconnected with her body and as cliche as it sounds, she found a way back home to her body.
the “process” was anything but a smooth one. at my own pace, I worked on some of my deepest fears and insecurities. went down some dark rabbit holes, with no end in sight and no hope and no expectation.
maybe someday i will write about shae’s rendition of alice in wonderland, after she falls down a rabbit hole, one after the other, and the world is indeed strange and whimsical, full of bizarre creatures, riddles, and shifting realities. someday.
you see, i am not a writer. i never considered myself but looking back, one thing i have been doing consistently all my life, has been to write. i have the kind of adhd, it seems, where i have to write down everything to learn the concepts. i have been doing it for as long as i can remember. my mom would mention that i get this from her.
back in 2000s, mental health or that brains can be different, was not something that was discussed in kashmir. not sure about the current times but growing up in a conflict zone, constantly awaiting something to happen, danger here or there, does something to your brain. nature, nurture, who knows.
but i have been writing all the life. not poems and essays and novels.
no.
i have been writing, first just for the sake of writing. i loved cursive writing. i got the first position in 7th grade back in middle school for my handwriting - both for urdu and english and i was so proud of it, hehe.
and then, because i love learning and writing helps me learn. and i love teaching. writing helps me teach the concepts better.
2019, after the death of my grandfather and post the one month internet ban, august of that year, when i couldn’t contact my parents and didnt know if they were okay, while supposedly living my dream life in canada - i picked up journaling. writing my heart out, crying and crying and crying while letting the ink bleed on pages - a tiny action that would trigger a series of bigger changes in the future.
i should get to the point.
when i began my healing journey in 2022, i remember this one event so vividly. Oct 2022, I was in my living room in Toronto. I usually wouldn’t share anything personal or vulnerable on social media but that day, I felt so alone and so lonely. And I posted a story on instagram, saying something along the lines of ” i don’t know who I am “. I knew i had deep mommy or ancestral or identity issues to resolve and knowingly or unknowingly, i intentionally decided to work on it, however i could.
i can tell you the exact moment when i knew i had repaired my relationship with my mom 2 years after that, but that’s a story for later.
but here’s the twist - i did not know that I had some major daddy issues to resolve too, lol. and this realization was just this year.
and i can tell you the exact moment when i knew i had repaired my relationship with my dad 2 weeks after that realization, ​_but that’s also a story for later._ ​
ofcourse, everything is a work in progress. even more so when it comes to healing. but when i talk about repairing, it’s about rebuilding a trust in yourself first and foremost, getting very clear about what these interpersonal relationships mean to you, doing your best to honor the stories of the past and taking EXTRA CARE in outlining a new reality for these relationships.
but who am I to think that I am healing my mommy/daddy issues?
what is this perfume smell? it’s so similar to perfume of the chico who called me delusional, lol. it’s 1:52pm now. I am still in the cafe and my spotify is playing:
i have been writing for a while. hmmm… i need to go for a walk, clear my mind and come back to this essay later, lol. i have so much more to say…
to be continued…
love,
your chica đź’‹
p.s i am finally channeling the siva in me to direct sakti towards the mutual preferred outcome. aka
la casa de saheliya (lcds) will open its doors on 24th may. it’s my sisters birthday, hence a very special day for me. i have so many ideas for lcds, a gathering of sisters, friends, my chicas.
this community, this home, this house of friends, will grow as i grow. i am firm beleiver of starting slow and small. but to dream big.
it will contain bits and pieces of who I want to be. intuitive movement, love as a practice, social media, technology, journaling, creativity, self expression, sensuality, moon stuff, business stuff. neuroscience/quantum rabbit holes, energy rituals, shaivism, hamilton, yoga, storytelling and eternal sunshine of spotless mind. i don’t know. everything. but also with a straight forward, no bullshit goal of helping my chicas, and pushing this collective forward.
here’s the catch, i don’t know yet what value i will be creating. i know i will be offering multiple tiers, depending on how much energy investment it asks of me so I can ensure it stays sustainable.
but i am not going to wait until i know to start the work. so, here’s what I am doing.
for 24 may launch, i will be opening the door to 50 chicas. at 99$ a year. I close the doors after 50. spend 3 months building something toegther and reevaluate if it still should be 99 or not. or if there need to be multiple tiers.
_if you want me to save a spot for you, in one of the 50, add your email here.
i love you
p.p.s.
8:05 pm, en mi habitacion
i went for a walk and had some ​_thoughts_​.
also, have you ever massaged the masseter muscle, the side of your face. ufff… the stretch and release feels so good. try it.
i am going to complete the rest of the essay tomorrow. i still have to make the point, hehe..
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